3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
