i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
