HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
