I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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