i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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