You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
