I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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