I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
