Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
