Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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