My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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