paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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