um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
