I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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