we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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