There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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