literally had 100 drinks last night.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
