one might say we're banned from that church
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
