Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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