I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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