He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
