the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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