YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
