There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
