You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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