I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
