I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
