Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
