It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
