me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
