I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
