So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
