I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
it was like eating out sand paper
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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