my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
