There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
