Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
