She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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