He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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