I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
