Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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