Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
