I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
