Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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