I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
