So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
