i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
