hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
