I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
