I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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