Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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