I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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