Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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