i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
