i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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