I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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