I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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