So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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