when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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