I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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