Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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