Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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